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J

ess: Do you think mom and dad would ever speak to me if I brought home a gora [white man]?

Pinky: Look, Jess, you can marry anyone you want … but why go through so much grief when there are so many good-looking Indian boys to marry? It’s not like before, you know—now they wear good clothes, have flashy jobs, they even know how to cook and wash up!

That’s what Pinky Bhamra told her younger sister, Jess, in a half-hearted attempt to entice Jess into finding herself a nice desi boy. It’s the line I remember most from Bend It Like Beckham. Sure, the film was inspiring because its protagonist conquered traditional attitudes and nabbed a pretty sweet prize (ahem, I mean the whole soccer scholarship, of course) along the way. But when Pinky urged Jess to seek a mate from the South Asian set, I was intrigued. As a single girl myself, I wondered—is it true? Has the desi male specimen really evolved from his predecessor?

As a single girl myself, I wondered—is it true? Has the desi male specimen really evolved from his predecessor?

Of course, his “predecessor” doesn’t exactly evoke images of a smooth Don Juan. The stereotype is a little more depressing—a sexist, boorish man who can barely dress himself and expects his wife to cook, clean and raise the kids while he works during the day and commands his home at night. And though that is clearly one extreme on the spectrum, I suspect I’m not the only South Asian woman who has noticed at least some of those traits in the males of her family line.

I’m also certain I’m not the only South Asian woman who has created a mental checklist for her ideal South Asian mate: He can dress himself—well. He wants to have a family—but not at the expense of my career. He helps around the house—and doesn’t think he’s demeaning himself by doing so. He talks passionately about something that interests him—and it’s not necessarily computers or medicine. Is that too much to ask?

“Indian men these days have great personalities, great jobs, and they’re good looking. I think their mindsets tend to be more open. They tend to be more liberal.”

Instead of befuddling myself with these questions, I decided to talk with five South Asian American 20-something women to see how they felt. Their thoughts revealed quite a bit about the state of the modern South Asian male—and also left me seeking more answers.

A step up

Priya Varma*, a 24-year-old student from Austin, Texas, is optimistic about the modern desi guy. “Indian men these days have great personalities, great jobs, and they’re good looking. I think their mindsets tend to be more open. They tend to be more liberal,” she says. “They also tend to be more cultured, they know about different subjects, they’re more well traveled, well read. They’re more educated.”

Priya, who is Hindu Punjabi, is looking for a mate who shares her cultural and religious background. After dating countless non-Indian men, she’s counting on her parents to set her up with the perfect Punjabi partner. “I am looking forward to that,” she explains. “It takes the pressure off of me.” And she is optimistic about her potential mates. “To find an Indian man between the ages of 22 and 40 who doesn’t have a great job is so incredibly uncommon.”

Twenty-three-year-old Rehana Kundawala’s experience seems to affirm Verma’s views. A marketing coordinator living in Philadelphia, Rehana has been married to her desi husband for one year. But is he more evolved than his father or grandfather? “Of course!” she exclaims. “My husband never hesitates to wash dishes, help me with the cooking (although sometimes I’d rather he didn’t help), or even clean the bathrooms. And it’s not just the housework that reveals the modernism in him. It’s the attitude. He doesn’t think that I ‘belong’ in the kitchen, or that it is my duty to cook and clean for him. For him, it was more important to marry someone he could relate to on an intellectual level, rather than someone who had the cleaning abilities of a housekeeper.”

“South Asian American women are really progressive in their thinking, and South Asian American guys are really conservative. I don’t see our generation’s guys being more progressive than our parents.”

Well, so far, so good. Priya and Rehana start to convince me that there is, indeed, hope. I have my own career, but Priya seems to think the desi guy is going to be Mr. Moneybags, which can’t exactly hurt, right? And Rehana’s beau sounds like a gem who really treats her like an equal. After such positive feedback, I begin dreaming of my adorable future dark-haired, dark-eyed children with my mystery man. Then, the other “chappal” drops. And it is not pretty.

A downward spiral

I call Noreen Banerji, a 26-year-old medical writer in Indianapolis, expecting to hear more of the same glowing words about the modern South Asian American guy. But Noreen disabuses me of the notion rather quickly. You see, Noreen has had some experience with desi guys, and it’s enough to leave anyone jaded. Her most recent relationship with a South Asian man was headed toward marriage—or so she thought. After two years of dating, Noreen’s Prince Charming broke up with her—via email!—for no real reason. Noreen later discovered that his parents had arranged a union for him with a girl from India.

“Indian guys are mama’s boys,” she declares. “A lot of Indian guys have a hard time going against their mothers. The dynamic I’ve seen is that [South Asian American] mothers will pamper their sons, and fathers will shelter their daughters. But the fathers won’t sit there and talk to their sons about being progressive in their thinking. The mothers, though, will say to their daughters, ‘You need to be independent. You don’t want to end up like me.’ … Most South Asian American women are raised with that sense of pride to be strong. But the disconnect comes when South Asian American guys aren’t raised with the same kinds of values. South Asian American women are really progressive in their thinking, and South Asian American guys are really conservative. I don’t see our generation’s guys being more progressive than our parents,” she sighs.

After two hours of conversation, my mood is bleak. Noreen points out flaw after flaw in the young South Asian American men of today. They’re not as responsible as their fathers. They hold different standards of sexual purity for men and women. They like being in western-style relationships while they’re young, but in the end they want to marry the traditional Indian girl who will wait on them hand and foot. “As one of my friends puts it,” she says, “Indian guys are jerks.” Ouch.

“As one of my friends puts it, Indian guys are jerks.”

Our conversation is so depressing, I’m ready to give up then and there. Still, a few days later, I manage to get in touch with Anjali Singh, a 25-year-old graduate student at Johns Hopkins University. When she tells me she’s in a relationship, my interest is piqued—maybe she’s found a good one! And then she explains that her man is half-Mexican, half-Caucasian. She’s really happy, especially since her last two boyfriends were South Asian.

Anjali echoes some of Noreen’s thoughts. “The sense of responsibility [in our generation’s South Asian American men] is gone. Our fathers were more responsible when it came to family, children, even time management. Now, you see 30-year-old guys at clubs drinking, no responsibilities. It scares women. Are these people going to be able to raise kids with you?” she asks.

“Compared with my traditional-minded father, my husband has truly evolved. He sees me as an equal, we share household chores, he picks his own clothing, and, yes, ladies, he even irons himself.”

And though she’s not sure she will end up with a desi guy or the one she’s with currently in the long run, she’s definitely noticed some differences. “I see a huge difference between the Indian men I’ve dated and Caucasian men. They’re a little more respectful. Indian men take advantage of their own women. I don’t understand that. I see more respect coming from a Caucasian man. If you do the littlest thing for white men, they love you to death. If you do that for an Indian man, he’s used to it. They’re used to their moms cooking and cleaning for them,” she says.

Great. Now that I feel completely hopeless, I almost bail on interviewing the last South Asian female on my list. Reluctantly, I contact Permjit Sran, a 25-year-old college instructor from Kerman, California. I start out the same way I have with all the other women: “Is the modern South Asian American male more evolved than his predecessor?” Her thoughts cast some light on my otherwise grim outlook.

“This question truly depends on the upbringing of the men in question,” she responds. “Compared with my traditional-minded father, my husband has truly evolved. He sees me as an equal, we share household chores, he picks his own clothing, and, yes, ladies, he even irons himself.” Permjit admits she had a few doubters before the wedding day. “My friends and family knew what a great guy my boyfriend was, but they all told me, ‘Wait until you get married—It all changes then.’ Granted, we’ve only been married for about 10 months, but thus far my hubby shows no signs of regressing to the ways of the ‘old style’ desi man. For example, on the days I have to teach night classes, my husband has dinner for me as soon as I come home. The ‘old style’ man would have been complaining how hungry he was, waiting for me to come home and cook for him and myself!”

“On the days I have to teach night classes, my husband has dinner for me as soon as I come home. The ‘old style’ man would have been complaining how hungry he was, waiting for me to come home and cook for him and myself!”

I again see a glimmer of hope. Then Permjit points out something that Noreen had touched on: “Many of our desi women encourage and support the ‘old style’ desi men. The upbringing of these men indicates how modern they will be as adults. ‘Old style’ thinking is taught and learned. I keep hearing that I should be at home cooking for my husband, even though we both work, and I hear this more from desi women. Lately, my mother has stopped supporting this and there has been a tremendous change in my father—he actually helps out with household chores.”

So maybe we can look forward to finding the desi men of our dreams? I hope so. Even my most jaded participant, Noreen, isn’t completely hopeless. “I’m holding out,” she says. “I’m hopeful there is a progressive guy out there who is South Asian. I’ll wait until I find him.” I think I’ll join her.