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W

e are back with more insider knowledge from recent South Asian brides! If you missed it, check out our first installment, [2] Real Tips From Real Brides, for useful ideas on how to start the planning process, research vendors, add creative touches and much more. But because we had so many great suggestions from so many of our readers, read on for more good advice about shopping on the subcontinent, incorporating multiple traditions and more. Have a great idea you don’t see below? Tell us in the comments!

HAVE A PLAN FOR SHOPPING ON THE SUBCONTINENT

Don’t stress about time.
If you’re going to India or Pakistan to purchase wedding clothes, know that it is totally doable to get things done in two weeks. Many designers have cloth that already has work done on it and they can measure and cut the fabric to you. Most designers have samples that you can choose, and they will replicate with your measurements within two weeks. You do not have to buy ready-made clothes.
—Nazish Husain, Wilmette, IL

Nazish and her husband.

Create a look book.
Because I had an unexpected injury which required knee surgery six months before the wedding, I was unable to go to Pakistan with my mom to personally shop for my wedding trousseau. Luckily, a couple of my friends pooled together a recent collection of their Indo-Pak fashion magazines like Libas, She and some other British magazines. I created an elaborate pamphlet of pictures for my mom so that she would have a visual reference for the designs that I wanted, from necklines to sleeves to embroidery to color.
—Sanam Alam, Palo Alto, CA

Look at jewelry sets online or in magazines and print them out before you go so you can show jewelers what you are looking for. Measure the neckline of your dress so that the necklace hits at the right spot. Also, take swatches for any colors you have in mind for your clothes, or you can just go to the bazaar and search for them once you are there.
—Nadia Samadani, New York, NY

Take pictures.
If you go clothes shopping in India, I would recommend taking photographs of the outfits you like. Some stores won’t let you because they’re afraid you will copy their design, so I’d try sneaking a picture with my cell phone. You end up going to a lot of stores, and things end up looking alike to you in your head—but they’re really quite different. Having a picture makes it easier to decide where to go back to.
—Sabeena Rajpal, Washington, DC

Expect the unexpected.
Shopping in a third world country is not very predictable. (At the time that my Mom was visiting Pakistan, there were deadly riots taking place over the Denmark cartoons and shop owners would close their shops for safety reasons.)

Because the designers knew that my mom was not a local and did not have too much time to spare, they took advantage of the situation. When you are having an outfit custom-made, you have to check on the dress-makers at least a couple of times a week because they may deviate from your instructions. My mom did not have the liberty to do that because of the political unrest and the danger in the streets at the time.
—Sanam Alam, Palo Alto, CA

To any bride that goes to India or Pakistan to shop, check out weight limits with international carriers in advance and pack lightly! Also, if you need to ship, check with air carriers about specials.

Take measurements with you.
If you are making saris for friends or bridesmaids, get their sari blouse measurements and remember the measurements around the upper part of their arm. You may want to consider cheating and putting in the pleats so it will be easier for them to put it on.
—Nadia Samadani, New York, NY

Factor in shipping costs.
Among the items we bought in India were 270+ yards of fabric (to drape a gazebo), 25 pairs of Rajasthani marriage puppets, 30+ multi-colored glass lanterns, various tapestries that were used to decorate the wedding mandap, 300+ marble heart-shaped boxes to give as wedding gifts to guests … and the list goes on. Not surprisingly, I paid a fortune in shipping costs! To any bride that goes to India or Pakistan to shop, check out weight limits with international carriers in advance and pack lightly! Also, if you need to ship, check with air carriers about specials. I found a special through DHL, which allowed me to ship items back to the U.S. in bulk. While it was expensive, it was a lot cheaper than sending the items through standard air shipping.
—Sheila Bangalore, Chicago, IL

The biggest mistake we made was ordering our thank-you gifts for the guests from India. We found these crystal lotuses that rotated on a mirrored musical stand with colored lights. They were absolutely beautiful and since we got them in Delhi, we bargained for a good price. However, the difficulty with communication and the cost of delivery from there to here was more than we expected. In retrospect, we should have shopped here or found smaller items that we could personally bring from India.
—Aarathi Cholkeri-Singh, Chicago, IL

Nadia Samadani made these unique cards for her friends.

Get your invitations organized.
If you’re buying your paper products in India, you need to be really organized. I had my invite list ready so I knew how many invitations to get, but I did not have enough time to get the envelopes addressed. I wish I had done that because the paper I picked was too thick to run through a printer in the U.S. Also, a lot of the envelopes in India don’t have an adhesive to close them—they gave us thin seals, but there were not enough, so I’d make sure there is a good way to close them.

Because we had so many events and had inserts for each one, you need to know how many people approximately you’re inviting to each event. It’s also a good idea to get all your paper in India because not only is it more unique and less expensive, it will also all go together. So we got our save the dates, invitations, place cards, thank you cards, and paper for our programs from the same store. Keep in mind you will probably have to do inserts with directions and hotel information later, unless you have that information when you go to India. We found natural paper postcards at Office Depot that went pretty well with our invites and used those.
—Sabeena Rajpal, Washington, DC

If you are getting your invitations printed there, be sure to write them out exactly the way you want them before you go, and check it with other Western invitations. You may encounter strange or incorrect grammar and diction on invitations otherwise. For example, they write “marriage with” instead of “marriage to” and other little things that you might not notice immediately.
—Nadia Samadani, New York, NY

If you’re buying your paper products in India, you need to be really organized. I had my invite list ready so I knew how many invitations to get, but I did not have enough time to get the envelopes addressed. I wish I had done that because the paper I picked was too thick to run through a printer in the U.S.

Keep good records.
We should have written everything down on paper. Having vendors in India take advantage of certain stressful situations made the bill time more stressful.
—Chai Shenoy, New York, NY

Consider buying your linens abroad.
Linens are so much cheaper in India. If you want chair slip covers, table runners, etc., be sure to know the measurements and amount of tables beforehand. I couldn’t do this because I had no idea what colors I was using or how many people there would be, but if you can plan for this, then great! You’ll save a bundle and get exactly what you want.
—Nadia Samadani, New York, NY

CREATE YOUR OWN TRADITIONS

Understand your heritage—and make it your own.
Indian weddings are absolutely stunning, beautiful and embody culture. My best advice to any desi bride is to really understand from start to finish, what the wedding and all of the associated events mean, and ultimately from that determine personally how you want to put your touch on it. I think many of us are lost in what “should” be done and “how” it should be done and what both sets of parents want. However, it is the bride and groom’s wedding day and they should truly understand its meaning and significance and have their footprint on it, allowing them to feel connected.
—Sonali Majmudar, Dallas, TX

Aarthi and Anil. Aarthi helps a member of her party get dressed. During the ceremony.

Don’t be afraid to improvise.
I object to having a Kanyadaan (literally, giving of the maiden/virgin from her father to her husband and his family)—I think it’s sexist, so we called it a Kanyaputradaan (giving of the girl and boy to each other). Our priest loved it—he has three daughters.
—Aarthi Belani, New York, NY

I wanted to come up with a tradition that I could do in front of everyone at a function since most traditions are really private and at home with immediate family. So I had a chooriya rasam, which I really just made up. At my mehndi ki raat all my bridesmaids, sisters and bhabhis sat on the stage with me and put the chooriya (bangles) I would wear for the day on me in front of everyone.
—Harneet Arora, Silver Spring, MD

My husband walked in to the Beastie Boys playing in the background in addition to someone playing a dhol.

Since my uncle could not come from India to walk me down the aisle as that is tradition in our culture, I was carried by my brother and cousins on a beautiful silver chariot. It was a truly intense moment as I was being carried toward the mandap, high above all the guests standing to welcome me.
—Reena Shah, Brooklyn, NY

The Muslim ceremony usually takes place with the bride being in a secluded room and the groom being in the public eye. As much respect as I have for tradition and religion, I was never able to understand the separation of the bride and groom at Muslim ceremonies and the inability to be together to rejoice in the moment that marked the beginning of the rest of your life with your spouse. Luckily, both of our parents were liberal on this issue, and we decided to have our ceremony/nikah be a moment we shared with everyone—most importantly each other.
—Sanam Alam, Palo Alto, TX

Reena Shah dances with her husband Todd. Reena gets carried into her ceremony.

Combine East and West.
Music is very important to both my husband and me. I hand-picked every song that was played during our wedding events—both desi and American songs. My husband walked in to the Beastie Boys playing in the background in addition to someone playing a dhol.
—Nazish Husain, Wilmette, IL

Because both Samir and I are Hindu Konkanis, it was important to both of us to have a traditional Konkani wedding without our guests having to leave the United States. That meant that we wanted a Konkani priest to lead the ceremony; we wanted traditional shennai musicians (who came all the way from Canada) to perform during our ceremony; and we wanted traditional Konkani food (tindoora, kaala channa, etc.) to be served to our guests immediately following our ceremony.

At the same time, both Samir and I were born in the U.S. and have grown up in Chicago and Miami, respectively, and it was also important to us to acknowledge our Western upbringing. Our wedding fell just before Christmas and, though we are not Christians, we had both always celebrated Christmas in our homes. We incorporated this holiday in the style of our name cards (each name card was decorated with a little red ornament tied with a green ribbon—the effect was awesome!) and on the CD we had made for each out-of-town guest (“All I want For Christmas” was one of the songs on the playlist).
—Sheila Bangalore, Chicago, IL

TREAT YOUR GUESTS RIGHT

Keep your guests in the know.
Since we had a number of non-Pakistanis attending the wedding, to help them understand our religious customs better, we had detailed nikah programs with the names of the members of the wedding party (listed in the sequence they would arrive during the walk down the aisle) printed and laid out on each chair prior to the ceremony. The imam conducted the nikah in English with key portions in Arabic and English (particularly the shahaada).
—Ayesha Farooqi, New York, NY

Whenever I would go to mehndis and the dholak was being played and ladies were singing wedding folk songs, I found myself only being able to chime in for the chorus, as I didn’t necessarily know all the words. I speak Urdu very well, but I cannot read or write it very fluently and unfortunately all the lyrics books are written in Urdu/Hindi. So, for my mehndi, we had two versions of pamphlets circulated amongst the female guests: One written in Urdu and the other in Roman Urdu (Urdu words spelled out in English).
—Sanam Alam, Palo Alto, CA

Clockwise from top left: Sheila and Samir. The placecards. The trolley used to shuttle guests.

Make transportation easy.
If you’re having a lot of family stay with you—like a lot of Indian brides—make sure you print out directions and car schedules for them. I did this, and my family still got lost going to DC and coming back from DC. But I forgot to print reverse directions—so don’t forget that!
—Sabeena Rajpal, Washington, DC

We had a lot of guests coming from abroad. We relied on our friends a lot to help pick people up from the airport and be their “buddies” in case they needed help getting around.
—Aarthi Belani, New York, NY

Since we had a number of non-Pakistanis attending the wedding, to help them understand our religious customs better, we had detailed nikah programs with the names of the members of the wedding party printed and laid out on each chair prior to the ceremony.

We hired a trolley (the “Bhandari-Bangalore Wedding Bus”) to shuttle our guests back and forth between the hotel and our home. Fortuitously, the colors of the bus perfectly matched our wedding colors: green, yellow, orange and red.
—Sheila Bangalore, Chicago, IL

We transported all of the baraat guests on charter buses from Dallas to Houston and provided hotel accommodations.
—Sonali Majmudar, Dallas, TX

Plan for the unexpected.
Have an extra table at the reception, because people will crash. We had 15 people who just showed up.
—Nadia Samadani, New York, NY

Sonali and Prayes.

Choose useful and tasteful favors.
For our favors, my bridesmaids distributed individually to each of the women present a pashmina shawl beautifully wrapped and presented in a gift bag with the symbol of Venus imprinted on the front of the bag. The men received marble pen holders wrapped in gold tissue paper and presented in a gift bag with the symbol of Mars imprinted on the front of the bag.
—Ayesha Farooqi, New York, NY

Pamper your guests.
It’s really important to make sure your guests—since they’re taking time out of their schedules to travel—have something to do if your wedding is in a remote area, like my hometown. Provide them with activities. We literally entertained people from the minute they got there to the minute they left.

We hosted an authentic Wisconsin fish boil during the day on Saturday. Houseboats took people out on the lake. We also had a “golfing with the groom” day and several brunches.

We had gift baskets waiting in all the guests’ rooms. They included things like Wisconsin cheese, fruit, golf tees with our names on them, water bottles. Just little things to make their stay more comfortable.
—Nadia Samadani, New York, NY

To greet our out-of-town guests, we created a welcome basket that mimicked Samir’s proposal to me. His proposal involved a scavenger hunt in Miami. I stopped at five places to collect five gifts and five clues to where he was waiting for me on bended knee. Each gift appealed to one of my senses because, as he put it, I appealed to all five of his! Similarly, each welcome basket contained five components: A wedding CD (sound), Sandalwood incense (smell), Indian teas (taste), L’Occitane soaps and lotions (touch), and disposable cameras (vision).
—Sheila Bangalore, Chicago, IL

[3] Sabeena and Patrick.

To vary things up when you have a lot of events in a row like we did, try to have different types of food. Because the sangeet and wedding reception had North Indian food, for the rehearsal lunch we had American food and for the mehndi we had Lebanese food with a few Indian dishes.
—Sabeena Rajpal, Washington, DC

I wanted to make sure that each guest knew that their attendance and participation in the wedding festivities meant a lot to my family and me. This was accomplished by making the events interactive by having notes at the table welcoming guests, providing them with an outline of the evening’s events, having a slide show during our wedding which included family and friends who were present and making a speech after our wedding ceremony.
—Nazish Husain, Wilmette, IL

With the speeches that were given, we broke them up so friends spoke at our sangeet and only family spoke at the reception. That helped keep things light as giving 10 speeches at a wedding reception can be a bit long for all those attending.
—Menaka Sanwal, Jersey City, NJ

We had gift baskets waiting in all the guests’ rooms. They included things like Wisconsin cheese, fruit, golf tees with our names on them, water bottles. Just little things to make their stay more comfortable.

Give thanks.
When you’re getting married, it’s all about you, and it can be hard for everyone to be focused on you all the time. To thank our friends, we got all the guys Art of Shaving kits, and we got the women these really nice wallets.

I also made cards for my sisters and a few of my close friends and the people who helped me the most. I gave my friends outfits at my bridal shower with the cards, which said what our friendship meant to me. I designed them with a friend of mine and used an illustration done by an artist I found through [4] Guru.com. It only cost me $50 for the design.
—Nadia Samadani, New York, NY

Clockwise from top left: Chai at her mehndi. Chai and her uncle. Chai and her husband.

RELAX AND ENJOY THE PROCESS

Get enough rest before your day.
The only thing I regret is that I didn’t get enough rest during the planning of the wedding. It was a very hectic time, and I would recommend each bride to take some time to relax and rest.
—Reena Shah, Brooklyn, NY

Spend some time with your fiancé.
Make sure you spend some quality time alone with him. This is a highly emotional and important time in your life, and all the preparations can leave you feeling overwhelmed and even lead to arguments, so you need to take time to do normal things not related to the wedding.
—Aneesa Shoaib, New York, NY

Don’t sweat the small stuff—and accept imperfections.
The planning is very stressful, but the memories you create during your wedding are priceless. No one knows what was planned for your wedding, so if it doesn’t go right, don’t worry. Just remember to take slow, deep breaths and no matter what happens on your wedding day, just stay relaxed and have fun.
—Aarathi Cholkeri-Singh, Chicago, IL

When you’re getting married, it’s all about you, and it can be hard for everyone to be focused on you all the time. To thank our friends, we got all the guys Art of Shaving kits, and we got the women these really nice wallets.

Remember that your wedding is as much for your family as it is for you and your mate. Guest lists, seating charts, invitations, etc., can be a big hassle and can lead to a lot of stress. At the end of the day, just remember that it’s easier to let it go than to get into it with anyone.
—Sheila Bangalore, Chicago, IL

If something doesn’t go the way you planned, it really shouldn’t matter. At the end of the day, nobody is going to remember except you—even your parents.
—Deepika Ghumman, Fairfax, VA

Most girls have spent a good chunk of their idle time fantasizing about their dream wedding and have painstakingly dwelled on the minutiae of their big day. Reading bridal magazines doesn’t do much to help us plant our feet firmly on the ground either, as the image of perfection is touted across advertisements and slogans by vendors across the bridal industry. As a result, it is very easy to turn into the regrettable “Bridezilla” persona. It is important to know that regardless of how much we invest ourselves in the planning of this occasion, we will never achieve true perfection—because unlike on the set of a Hollywood or Bollywood production, we don’t get a “Take Two” for any bloopers.
—Sanam Alam, Palo Alto, CA

Harneet and Aman.

Keep smiling.
All that matters is that throughout the events, you’re smiling. The camera is always on you.
—Deepika Ghumman, Fairfax, VA

Relinquish control.
Have fun! Go ahead and obsess and stress up until about two days beforehand—then stop. If I could do it over, I wouldn’t argue with my mother-in-law as much! I know that sounds like a cliché, but it’s true.
—Aarthi Belani, New York, NY

Because weddings are such a huge part of our culture and so important for our families, you should get ready to be bombarded with relatives on both sides wanting a say in your ceremony. While this can be overwhelming, breathe: Make some compromises to keep them happy but stand your ground on a few things that are really important to you.
—Aneesa Shoaib, New York, NY

Remember to “surrender” on the day of your wedding. You are no longer in control so just smile and have a good time.
—Sanam Alam, Palo Alto, CA

All that matters is that throughout the events, you’re smiling. The camera is always on you.

Give back after the wedding.
I had lanterns made in India. After the wedding, my dad donated them to a museum that was having a benefit in Wisconsin. You can also sell things you bought for the wedding if you had something made in mass quantities.
—Nadia Samadani, New York, NY

Remember to enjoy yourself.
Savor every moment of your wedding week. It comes and goes and goes so quickly, and after planning an event for so long, you really should try to soak it up and enjoy it! Be proud of your culture and who you are. South Asian weddings are amazing in every way.
—Sonali Majmudar, Dallas, TX

Getting married is a tough transition. ApprecIate the time, accept that it will be challenging, and bask in the glory of a wedding (no matter how much or how little drama is happening).
—Chai Shenoy, New York, NY

Stay true to what you would like to do. There’s always a way to balance all the cultures which compose you. Also, remember that it’s supposed to be a fun event so make sure to enjoy your wedding and the preparations involved.
—Nazish Husain, Wilmette, IL

Focus on what’s most important.
In the end, it’s all about having a happy marriage. It’s so easy to get caught up in the planning and get swept away by the tiny details. You really just have to remember why you’re getting married. Enjoy the fact that your closest friends and family are coming to honor you. Don’t forget why you’re celebrating!
—Nadia Samadani, New York, NY